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1 A worm with a fear of enclosure tried hard not to lose his composure when faced with the fact he was being attacked but eventually died of exposure
2 A bird with a bad fear of height was too scared to attempt any flight and so to obtain him the food to sustain him he'd fish every saturday night
3 A snake with a lofty ambition uncontent with his lowly position off a cliff made a try like a bird once to fly but then lived to regret his decision
4 A buffalo weary of grass fancied eating ice cream but alas very much to his ire his only supplier refused his American Exprass
5 A mountain was filled with frustration, unable to change its location Terra Firma's travel guide showed promise but died and forever postponed its vacation
6 A mountain was happy although it was tired of its altitude. So, it got Rand McNalley to call it a valley and spent its last years being low.
7 A writer of limerick rhyme was composing too much of the time until one day his boss tired of taking the loss proceeded to kick his behime
8 An explorer in search of great treasure found he had little time for his leisure quite in vain he pursueth the fountain of youth and eventually died of old ageure
9 A woman with sparkling incisors Thought brushing would make her much wiser. So she brushed night and day, Till she wore them away, Which astonished her dental advisors. (rew)
10 There once was a fellow named Kevan who refused to consume bread unleavened. He once said, "I despise loaves that don't ever rise. I'm not Jewish, I'll still go to heaven." (psa)
11 There once was a poet named kevan Who penned limericks until seven. He said with a sigh, "Perhaps when I die, I'll be able to quote them in heaven." (psa)
12 A teenager ate chocolate bars -- As many, almost, as the stars. The subsequent swelling Sent people rapelling And scaling his deep facial scars
13 An artist who chiseled a cow could not sell his sculpture somehow so to keep him from starving he butchered his carving and had marble steaks for his chow
14 A blind chef whose roast did meow determined the meat was no cow he said "I see that it's a burned puttytat; I must suffer through succotash now" (psa)
15 A slug with a hunger for speed soon succumbed to his passionate greed he considered it fun to be shot from a gun till his head from his body was freed
16 On a very unnoteworthy day Things all happened their usual way. Everything went along, As it had for so long, That there really was nothing to say.
17 An amorous earthworm named Fred Had a tail which looked much like his head With no one to date, And needing a mate, Eventually both ends were wed(dwh)
18 There once was a young man from Guam indeed Guam was where he was from he was not very old and so it is told that this man was a Young man from Guam 19 This young man from Guam had a dad but just one dad was all that he had he never did bother to get a new father since one was enough for the lad 20 This young man from Guam had a mother like his dad, he did not need another this woman from Guam proved to be a good mom so the kid didn't want any other 21 This Guam family needed a pet with that they'd be perfectly set so they went out and got a small wombat named Spot the best Guam family pet they could get 22 This family lived in a house that amazingly had not one mouse just a roof and four walls and some rooms and some halls and a wombat, young man, dad and spouse 23 It was said of the family from Guam that though they were quite pleased with their wombat they soon were inclined to get a feline so they went and obtained a small tomcat (-dhall) 24 The family from Guam with the wombat, the same ones who owned the small tomcat, they found out belated the two pets had mated and produced an offspring: a womcat. (-dhall)
25 There once was a young girl named Sue whose limericks stopped at line two. (-chris ) 26 There once was a young man from Dunn. (-chris )
27 There once was a young man named Mort whose attention span often was short he'd soon lose a thought who do you think will win the world series this year?
28 There once was a liar named Sue who would fib in her poetry, too. Should she venture to say, "a young Gentile named Ray," you can bet he was really a Jew.
29 There once was a man, Steven Wright -- No, that wasn't him.
30 My old great-aunt's eaves are untidy and right now there's not anybody that's in a position to fix this condition so, please, may I have off next Friday? 31 I hate to instill you with sorrow perhaps a Kleenex you must borrow if you haven't heard yet or in case you forget I will be on vacation tomorrow 32 I'm not in the least bit complaining but my aunts said that it had been raining the two days before. I found out in Ardmore, so in Huntsville I wound up remaining
33 A duncy old man with a comb wrote visual rhymes that did bomb he believed hard that Lord was a good rhyme for word and he carried that faith to his tomb 34 A visual poet was suave and ignored all the flaws his rhymes have he believed hard that come really sounded like home and he carried that faith to his grave 35 My poetic muse now is dry and no matter how hard that I try it just seems that today I have nothing to say so for that I do apologi 36 "there's no mail in this box!" he said, chokin' and no sooner than it had been spoken, he exclaimed with a shriek: "I've had no mail all week! I believe that my mailbox is broken" 37 A sleepy programmer named Jean chose to end his long fast from caffiene he sipped sugared coffee and screamed and took off. he has not since been heard from or seen. 38 A Japanese girl in a sweat shirt tripped over her feet when she met Bert Ernie then chose to say "what a wonderful day. I'm just so glad that she didn't get hurt." (psa) 39 A girl makes, like japanese experts, thick seafood based clothes till her head hurts when asked how the sewing of raw fish was going she said she sells shrimp sushi sweatshirts
40 His grip on real life was quite loose the small child often thought 'what's the use?' yet he brightened his days with the comical ways of a doctor named theodore seuss 41 The cat in the hat was his favorite he would read every word and just savor it once a girl came to look she soon asked for his book and so what did he do? yes, he gave her it
42 On the stormfront the waters were rising and the captain was quietly surmising if the supper he ate would add just enough weight to result in his lifeboat capsizing 43 He alone watched his yacht going down thinking night was a bad time to drown and the distance to shore was a hundred miles more than his fragile old arms could expound 44 Soon the sun gave its last bit of light and the auburn sky turned into night as he peered all around the horizon he found not one hope of salvation in sight 45 He prepared with a smile just to die then he thought to himself "wait now. Why should a real-world restriction bind me like this? I'm fiction!" so he changed his boat into Hawaii.
46 The following limerick, in its original form, was too medically oriented for the lay person; to make things simpler I have replaced the words you wouldn't understand anyway with their metric equivalent. Rest assured, however, the original was hilarious. Da da doo da da resuscitation da da doo da da defibrilation da da doo da da spleen da da hydroxonine da da doo scintipallification!
47 A man was not such a good poet if a rhyme was apparent, he'd blow it any reader could see what the word ought to be but, the silly man, he'd never be aware of it. 48 A big-nosed Hawaiian young man had a schnoz large and flat, like a fan. On a windy day he Held his face to the lee, And his outrigger sailed to Japan. 49 A songbook editor named Ellis J. Couldn't write, but he used his songs anyway. He'd stretch syllables till they worked, And all his nearly-rhymes hurt, And unnatural his lyrics were to say. 50 I'm so sorry you're not feeling good I'd trade places with you if I could May the Lord heed the prayer of your brethren who care and return your good health if He would 51 A girl who ignores facts she hears with leprosy rotted for years she behaved so disdainfully she slow and painfully died in an ocean of tears
52 A fat lazy slob took up running, Whether raining or snowing or sunning. His sole inspiration Was infatuation For one whose complexion was stunning. 53 Every day he would run till he dropped, And he swore he could never be stopped. Though he toned up in haste Muscles under his waist, Still his gut o'er his belt buckle flopped. 54 Yes, he kept up his pace like a winner. Running daily he'd surely get thinner. But he found to his gloom He continued to bloom From the increasing size of his dinner.
55 A Mexican family whose Rhymes were even more visual than those Even though they were rough They still made lots of dough On the poems that were penned by Jose. 56 A quarterback named Dan Marino Went into a Vegas casino. He bet all his money With a little blonde honey, And now drives a black El Camino. 57 An old jelly-belly named Santa was a fan of the soft drinks from Fanta though he often would savor the grape and orange flavor he wished they'd develop bananta 58 A trio of mobsters was known to have kidnapped the king when alone when his servants had found him they saved him and crowned him then threw those three thugs through the throne 59 His stuttering problem was grim and was always embarassing him when they asked him his name he replied with some shame "my name's j-j-j-j-j-j-jim" 60 A prominant Harvey named Paul was admired and respected by all till one "rest of the story" got graphic and gory he now rings a bell in a mall 61 Paul Harvey, a likeable guy, daily pushed us to give schwinn a try till one day, who knows why, he was caught in a lie and turned his "good day" to "good bye" 62 There once was a little white bunny whose cottontail really was funny till he met with a train that ran over his brain now his white tail is grey, red, and runny. (klm) 63 A cannibal shaped like an elf was quite poor with no food on the shelf so his hunger to kill it he jumped in his skillet and feasted while eating himself 63 A pregnant girl down on her luck with a child didn't want to be stuck so to vent all her anger she took a coat hanger and saved herself four hundred bucks 64 An infant of usual size was the source of quite ear-piercing cries in the pen where he played was a sharp razor blade he had used to cut slits in his eyes 65 A fairy had time on her hands so she dabbled a bit in romance she tried to play cupid for one who was stupid he soon wound up marrying plants 66 Chef dahmer had soon made his mark with a fried-food cafe in the park he was fair in his place never partial to race for he offered both white meat and dark 67 The Spaniards would wear a medallion each would ride on an elegant stallion it's amusing to quip in an old Spanish ship they'd get thousands of miles to the galleon 68 The chef of an old Spanish galleon Cooked a stew made with meat from a stallion. The crew hung the poor Spaniard By the neck from the lanyard For adding way too much chopped scallion. (psa)
69 The train that they called the Express Was always the one to redress Any time lags incurred While riding a herd Of yaks for a girl to impress. -rew 70 Its tracks were laid down with precision To minimize wheel wear attrition: The clackety-clack Of a train on the track Was silenced by conscious decision. -rew 71 The yak herd that 'fluenced the lass Was fueled 'most entirely on grass. While running beside The train, if they died, Were buried right up to their hooves. -rew
72 A walrus who often wore musk was obsessed with the shine of each tusk like a stone gath'ring moss he would wake up and floss from the first light of dawn until dusk 73 A man mastered once the subliminal With precision that almost was criminal. So supurb his disguise (both the Clintons tell lies) That the reader's perception was minimal. 74 An adulterous liar named Bill Was possessed of a wife with a will To reach the White House On the back of her spouse And not on her knowledge or skill. - rew 75 One evening the pope and a clown were alone and both feeling quite down so in secret the slobs swapped their clothes and their jobs and their change of life never was found 76 An amateur golfer named hall could not keep his eye on the ball when a slice hit a cop he was ordered to stop and said "Sure, but my camel's too small" 77 A scatterbrained poet named hoffman was writing non-sequiturs often he'd be doing just fine but then blow the punch line when the tuna fish covered the coffin 78 It isn't so easy to guess What technique I'd use, this to best; But I did it with rhyme, Just a spritzer of lime, And some xeroxed insurance requests. 79 The guy that was mentioned before Could never establish rapport With readers that reasoned, Or critics well-seasoned, But at least he was never a bore. - rew 80 The poet just mentioned above Was trying to write about love. But while nearing the end, He wrote, "Dearest friend, A sandwich without so much glove." - rew 81 An amatuer poet named Bob Wrote poems that were almost superb. Though his meter was good, And his imagery clear, He was never successful with rhymes. 81-H When Bob wrote haiku he Never quite got the meter, but The rhyme scheme was easy. - rew 82 Clint Eastwood was famous for gunning thus keeping the bad guys from running but his life rearranged when he got his sex changed joined the church, took some vows, and went nunning 83 The place that i'd soon like to B is with julie there at austin P if you care to ask Y you will find out my I is beholding a pleasure to C 84 (not original, but a great limerick) A mosquito was heard to complain that a chemist had poisoned his brain the cause of his sorrow was paradichloro- diphenyltrichloroethane 85 There once was a man from nantucket but he died. 86 The son of the man from nantucket died too. 87 The old man from nantucket's wife had had quite a pitiful life when her spouse and son died she cried and she cried... then SHE died. 88 There once was a guy who was cool; You knew he was nobody's fool. He'd say with a grin, "Just look at my chin", And you'd see it there, covered with drool. - rew
The West Point Simpering Idiots' fight limerick
Go go go go go go go go boot! Fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight loot! Win win win win win win Win win win win win win Win win win win win win win win ... Shoot.
The Night Before New Year's
'Twas the night before New Year's, and all through the house Not a person was sober, not even my spouse. Food was strewn, like the trash, through the house without care, and already two times the police had been there. In my bedroom were drunks i'd seen never before. In the parlor were people sprawled out on the floor. The long line for eggnog stretched through three rooms or four (Though they'd all had too much they were still wanting more). All at once on the lawn there arose such a clatter I dashed to the front to see what was the matter. I opened the door and stepped out in the cold, Slipped on ice-covered steps and fell hard in the snow. And then what to my swollen red eyes should appear, But a huge form advancing that filled me with fear. She was angry, excited, and hot as a flare! "Who is this fool?" I thought, as her fists beat the air. More intrepid than eagles her curses they came, As she hissed and spit fire calling everyone names "You bimbo! you slimeball! you scumbag! You cretin! You airhead! You dirtbag! You animal! Heathen! Get out of my way, stupid! clear me a path!" So each conscious soul scattered, eluding her wrath, And I scurried back in to get out of her way, "I won't leave till I find him," I heard the ass bray. Soaring over the hedges, she practically flew Up eleven front steps and across the porch too! As I drew in my breath and was turning around Through the bolted front door she came in with a bound. She was dressed all in sweats, curlers pinned in her hair, With grey eyebrows that looked like she shaped them with nair. Baggy cheeks forced her lipless mouth down to a frown, And the hair in her nose was a dark color brown. The cigar butt she chewed in her sparse, blackened teeth Billowed smoke that encircled her head like a wreath. Her veined eyes flashed with hatred, her prune face was scary! Her cheeks flushed with anger, her big arms were hairy! She had a broad head and a cellulite belly That shook when she yelled like a bowl full of jelly. A plump, chubby grouch -- an unpleasant old wench -- At the sight of this woman a strong man would flinch. From the fire in her eye and the sweat of her head She instilled me with terror and filled me with dread. With unspeakable words she then went straight to work To find her drunk husband and murder the jerk, Laying both of her fists alongside of his nose. When he heard her, to hide, up the chimney he rose. But she sprang to the hearth and grabbed hold of his shoe, And with one mighty heave yanked him down into view. As she pulled him along through the house by his foot A black path on the carpet was left by the soot. The house rang with echos of terrible squalls As his head ricocheted off the doorposts and walls. But I heard him exclaim, as she drug him from sight, "Haffy Yew Yearsh to aaallll, and to aaalllll a goo night!" -- Dana Hern, Kevan Moore
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